I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
