Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
