My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
