Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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