I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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