Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
