life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
