You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We need to rekindle our bromance
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
