dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
