I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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