Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
