I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
