i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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