i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just invented taco cereal.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
