get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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