You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just invented taco cereal.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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