sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
someone threw a dead crab at me
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
