Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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