I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
