you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
