Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
