I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
