I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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