At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
