On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
