I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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