Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
