@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
