Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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