how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
