Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I did not marry a roomba.
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