This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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