she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How's work?
Spinning.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
