So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."