just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
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I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
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Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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