Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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