I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
