forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
