Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
