Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
