there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
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I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
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He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
jump out the window naked night went bad
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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