The beer is more important than you right now.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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