omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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