I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
