i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
