You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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