k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she told me i tasted like america
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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