White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
