Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
