at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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