Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im holly from the hills drunk
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
