You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
