Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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