Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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