my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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