Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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